I ought to be very happy today. I’m getting my first official break tomorrow, I have just got over my 3 months probation period and I’m finally entitled to MC leaves and annual leaves. Initial plan was to sing midnight karaoke tonight, something crops up and in the end it was canceled. It’s not a big deal about the cancellation since my throat is not in a good condition either.
Perhaps because I wanted to stay out late tonight, since there aren’t many of this kind of days that I won’t be working on the next weekday and I could have the chance to slip out late tonight.
I’m feeling real moody tonight, and to my frustration, I don’t know why is that. It’s really not about the karaoke, perhaps it’s due to the disappointment of a boring night, especially it’s a hard chance to come by.
It may be because of the office politics in my office, though it doesn’t really concern me, but when I think about it, it really makes me feel uncomfortable.
It may be because of the immense stress I’m feeling from not being able to finish my work, I’m getting really stuck on my codes. I have completed a few of the tasks, but I can say that I have no idea what I’m doing, what I’m doing is merely copying and pasting from examples and getting the thing up. I kept getting stuck for a very very long time every time there is something new that needs to be done.
It may be because the relationship between me and my colleagues are not that great. No matter how much and how hard I try, it’s not easy to break the barrier.
It may be because actually they didn’t quite like me and yet they didn’t show it out.
Or it may be because I’m thinking too much.
Sigh sigh sigh.
Isn’t it a basic courtesy that when you see a fella colleague face to face while both are going towards their own destination that we should smile at each other or at least nod a head. Most female colleagues I saw just kinda ignored me though, it’s not a big deal about this kind of thing, it’s just that who will like working in this kind of environment?
How could a company expect their staffs to stay if all they felt around them are hostility and unfriendliness.
I told some of you guys about this matter. On the night of advance dinner for our company, I was on the train with some other colleagues. There was this female colleague, she was asking me about which school I’m from or something, I don’t recall the flow of the conversation, I remembered telling her I won’t be staying for long as I will be going to further studies sooner or later. Then I told her I previous had my attachment in here and thus I stayed. Her reaction bothered me a lot.
She replied, “Oh! So you are the IA student who says she’s gonna further studies”. I felt kinda puzzled, it’s the first time I talk to her, and she already knew about this. I asked her where did she heard from about me, and she told me that she just heard somebody saying it, then the topic is over. If a random person could know about me, am I not right to think that there are bad rumors about me going around in the office.
It’s okay if you could have just ignored it and carry on with your life, but it’s really very hard. Once you think about it, it’s really depressing.
There is only one person who could be spreading this thing around, she was also the one who caused me to kinda get scolded by my boss when I first had a meeting with her and I told her about my plan for further studying. Best thing is she could still smile and talk to me whenever we saw each other at the corridor.
If only people could just show their dislikes / likes for people obviously instead of doing in this kind of method, it’s so hard to guess who is the one backstabbing really. I even know who are the dangerous people, and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
The worst thing is, I realized I’m slowly putting on a mask in the office. The realization of this suddenly dawned on me today. To my horror, I automatically put on a mask when I saw other colleagues around. I didn’t wanna socialize around that much, and surprisingly I’m doing it reflectively.
Everybody are all too absorbed in their own things. I don’t even know whether what I want is a listening ear or what. Sometimes when I tell my problems to a person, she don’t take me seriously, we ended up being pissed at each other. Some are too concerned about their problems to listen to yours.
I couldn’t blame them anyway, I don’t even know what I want.
I think, maybe I should try distancing myself from my colleagues. It’s making me think of unnecessary things and I got more than enough things to think about already.
In the end, all we could ever depend on are ourselves ain’t it?